Tiny Little Fractures

It was a strange thought to have while struggling with impenetrable chaparral on a site visit. What was supposed to be a simple task to photograph some future geotesting sites turned into a four hour odyssey, literally bushwhacking to the sites wondering when a rattlesnake would launch out of a bush and go for my jugular. Maybe it was the sun but all I could think of while I inhaled about a tonne of pollen was that I never thought I would end up here. 

Mind you it’s not a bad thing, I enjoy my job and site visits are the best part of it. I just never thought I would be a development consultant when I was growing up (this might be a bit obvious though as I cant imagine a kid who would know what a development consultant is, much less want to become one). I knew from the tender age of 10 what I wanted to be…well before I was 10 my ambition was to be a tracker at Yala. But after 10 I wanted to be Gerald Durrel, a brown version of him at least. A life dedicated to obscure species and the saving of them from extinction. I had it all planned out. A breeding center up in the hills, tanks in a climate controlled building, enclosures for the larger animals. Yes I was an ineffably weird kid.

And then I grew up, well actually I went to college and learnt what conservation really was about. That it as about people, livelihoods, habitat protection, poverty alleviation and a plethora of other related and diverse factors. I also discovered (well before college) that I enjoyed drinking, clubs, girls and those other material frivolities that interfere with being a hermit up in the mountains obsessing about frogs. There was also the rather frightening discovery that the biologists, ecologists and conservation biologists I met were rather boring people. 

In fact even through grad school I came to the realization that I couldn’t, didn’t want to be someone who did one thing in life. I found that I was deadly scared of being pigeonholed, of being known as an environmental scientist, an engineer, anything that involved doing one thing. It doesn’t really matter if the projects are different every day but the concept of a fixed career path scares the beejesus out of me. That probably explains why at various times of my life I have been an office manager, a biologist, a mortgage salesperson, an environmental scientist, a failed arrack importer, a fundraiser for a non-profit and a land use planner. It’s why I want to do a PhD in International Development; it’s why I’m obsessed with photography, why I want to start my own company.

It’s because at the end of the day, when I grow up (and some might say that’s going to be awhile) I want to be a land use consulting, social entrepreneur, regular entrepreneur, development consulting, writer, photographer. That’s not asking for much is it?

One of the most overwhelming feelings that I used to experience when sitting through the classes that compromised my Masters in Environmental Technology was that of hopelessness. The statistics were just too depressing, the levels of pollution, poverty, extinctions, CO2 increases and the policy inadequacies and political idiocies that were making change a slow painful process when any progress is made that is. The naïve ideas that I grew up with reading Gerald Durrell that conservation and protecting the environment was all about breeding species, fencing off protected habitats were quickly lost. The reality is environmental protection is as much about people as it is about animals and plants.

This was really brought home to me during a couple of research stints in Agrapatana and in Moneragala, where the forest ‘reserves’ are ridiculously disturbed. The thing is you can’t really stop it, how do you tell a villager that she cannot use wood from the forest to boil water for her child? And for what, an obscure concept of biodiversity dear to people who already have all they need to survive and more. The only way to really protect the environment is lift people out of poverty, give them alternatives to chopping firewood, lives that are more than just about survival. Entrepreneurs, both the regular kind and social ones have as much to do in the battle for saving the life systems that support us as do conservation biologists. 

But this is where I lose hope. I’ve worked for a non-profit in the US but was a bit disturbed by the general attitude I found, a lack of understanding in the ground realities in the developing world. The people were admirable but showed hostility towards things such as outsourcing that I found hard to stomach as for me, activities like outsourcing are about giving people chances. A way up in the world letting poverty go, a way for countries to get less reliant on their natural resources. Of course raising people out of poverty is a double-edged sword, the more affluent they become the more they consume, the more pressure they put on the ‘system’ so to speak. Whether a balance will be found and more sustainable ways to provide for the billions who live on the bottom of the pyramid is an answer that will probably only be evident in hindsight.

Another reason that I lose hope is the lack of inclusiveness in the environmental movement. Everywhere I look there is a lack of cooperation, a lack of understanding of an alternate view. It’s the developers vs. the hikers, NGO’s vs. governments, governments vs. the common people, etc, etc. As usual everyone is looking out for their own interests and the messages get lost in the confusion. Of course there are exceptions, but they’re frightfully rare. 

Where do I see my part in all this? I started out as a kid wanting to save species at all costs, heal the environment and all that good stuff. I have lost hope in that in my opinion the battle is already lost. We will lose a lot of species in the coming decades, maybe even suffer an environmental catastrophe, one that is probably necessary before humanity will change the way it conducts its business that will cause a lot of people to lose their lives. Whether humanity will survive or go the way of the Mayans is to me a dicey question. I know I sound pessimistic, but it’s better to face the truth than bury your head in the sand. For one thing just because the fight is lost doesn’t mean there is nothing left to save.

I for one want to keep fighting.

Is pretty bloody steep…and P and I have been in the thick of it. Little did we know that his innocent comment to me at Lanka Fest when we met only for the second time, asking if he could assist me at my next shoot would have lead to where we are now. 

From a small outing to Santa Monica for some street shooting we moved onto an abortive attempt at being ‘official’ photographers for the Lanka Day at Santa Monica. Though this didn’t go as planned we still had a blast, P especially got some winning shots with N’s Xti and my 70-200mm F4 L. Then through the usual Sri Lankan randomness we got our first ‘gig’ which we initially thought was to assist the photographer handling the Iraj and Ranidu concert in Long Beach. We were both perturbed to turn up and be told by A that he was too busy with organizational headaches and we were essentially on our own. A conundrum since I had never shot with a flash before and P hadn’t either. 

Some pointers, much experimentation and a Canon 5D in P’s hands and we were off, working the crowd, running around in front of the stage, behind the stage and all sorts. It was all learning on the fly as never before…in the deep end with nary a life vest to be seen. P came off the better man and he got some absolutely amazing shots, I seemed to lose my mojo somewhere as the cheap batteries that had come packaged with my 430ex started packing up. A desperate rush to get workable batteries threw me completely off my dial and though I managed a few decent shots I washed out. But then one must fail to learn to succeed I thought as I consoled myself with the few good shots and admired (a bit enviously to be true) the brilliant stuff that P had shot.

What neither of us had really bargained for was the vast amounts of post-processing, backing up and watermarking that producing the final package that was required involved. Also once the ball started rolling it didn’t stop with a party starter friend of mine calling me up and requesting my presence at a club in Sunset to shoot Lucid Dreams for a 30 minute set. With some valuable lessons in mind such as shooting in RAW, a greater understanding of the M mode and some high capacity batteries the two of us headed down to the Roxy last Friday, P with my 17-40L in hand and me with my 50mm 1.8.

Never have I had such an adrenaline filled 30 minutes (well I have but not for awhile). Once the boys got on stage and started rapping both of us were in the crowd, on stage, ducking and weaving, composing, recomposing, chimping, changing shutter speeds, dialing up and down on our flashes and shuttering away. I still have little idea about what their music was about because I was on my own high. Over 300 pictures in 30 minutes and my arms were aching from constant moving around trying to get that perfect image, Paper with his hat on, the girls in the crowd, Love crooning away, everything had to be immortalized.
 

The crowd going wild

There was a moment of humour once their set was done, I took a picture of the above two fine young ladies and moved over to have a quick chat. The Asian one asked how she could get copies of the pictures to which I graciously responded by handing her my card and telling her to drop me a mail. As I was going to take a few more pictures of them and close the deal P bumbled in like an eager puppy, tongue practically lolling out, handing out cards and flashing like crazy. Kids I tell you, completely ruined my set-up…but eh…not a big deal and it gives me something to take the piss out of him every now and then. 

Of course as usual post processing was a bitch and has to be stuck in between work, gym, getting my car maintained, a sorry excuse for a social life, recovering from hangovers and of course sleep. We finally got some pictures out to C today and he wants us for another show in Malibu. On top of that we have other gigs on the way, the Red Bull Air Races on Saturday in San Diego and all kinds of fun things in the pipeline.

When the ball is rolling, gotta keep it going.

A millisecond later and this would have been an absolutely beautiful image. I still like it though!

Whoo! I’m absolutely knackered and for some strange reason have sandpit in my ears. It was a pretty hot day at Woodley Park where I for the first time was an official event photographer and carrying around my gear, running hither and dither from 9.30 in the morning until 7.30 in the evening really poofed me out. Lanka Fest was an awesome event thrown by a non-profit called Paalama. I was very excited and hugely nervous about having for the first time having to fulfill someone’s expectations in a largely uncontrolled environment and drove to the ground with my stomach churning (my head was spinning a bit as well but that was probably due to waking up at an ungodly hour on a day off).

The day itself was a blast, cricket both softball and leather and some lady’s (cricket that is) thrown in there as well, food stalls, including one thrown by Ruki from the ever dependable Curry Bowl and performances by Dancers for Sri Lanka (I think that’s what they were called) and a lovely young lady called Kavi (oh yeah why you’re reading this click here and vote for the girl on the list!). I spent a lot of time running around, had a run-in with P and G which resulted in an uproarious session of laughter over a slightly inappropriate but unwitting comment I made to an uncle about his (at the time, 3 years ago) 15 year old daughter without knowing the connection between him and her. I also made a few friends, a couple of photographers and some people who are in the in on the local volunteer scene. 

I learnt some valuable lessons. For one never, ever experiment with new technique on a job. I tried to use a bit of fill flash but my inexperience with going full manual (a necessity when using fill flash) made it unfeasible in the completely uncontrolled situations I was in. I still trust my in-camera meter too much and don’t check histograms enough. I also do silly, stupid things like forget to switch the autofocus on my lens back on.

I learnt that in a situation like that be aware of what I am good at and do that. Shoot wide open and concentrate on working the shots. Oh yeah I also really need to interact with people more and give them more direction when asking them to pose. A note to self to bring extra batteries so I can let my subjects ‘chimp’ a bit and help build a dialogue up. Well I guess there’s always another chance, I just hope I got some photographs that will fulfill the organizer’s requirements and I get to do it again soon.

A picture of one of my family friend I took on break (the rest of my work belongs to the organizers. Absolutely adorable, adorable kid!

Getting paid for my photographs in food seems to be becoming a trend. S wanted some headshots done since the one’s she has are only good for the New York scene. Actually next time somebody asks me to do a shoot I really need to figure out before hand what exactly they need, I only found out what headshots are around a few hours before the shoot. Admittedly I had been busy with interviews, accepting job offers and losing my mind over the prospect of not seeing Sri Lanka for so long, but I still should have taken the time to learn more about what taking good headshots necessitates.

I hope she got some usable shots, I certainly got a few I liked, but then I’m not the client. I got Jamaican jerk chicken and a humongous ice cream, cookie sandwich for my efforts. Needless to say I spent most of the night up with heartburn that would have woken a mummy up. Add that to an early morning wake and jaunt on the freeway to check out our boys kicking some Windian arse and I’m pretty knackered. The next job I have lined up is the sibling’s graduation, hopefully try and get a flash before that, since that seems an essential for good portrait work.

I went from completely unemployed to having a job and an internship within two days. So forgive me if I’m still blinking in bewilderment (this also could be the effect of not taking my allergy medicine as well). Especially because one interviewer described me as a polished, young gentleman…a phrase that I never thought I’d hear to be used to describe me of all people. Maybe it’s time for some reevaluation, I’ve always considered myself a bit of a joker but considering I’ve had a grand total of four face-to-face interviews, proper interviews that is, in my life and I’ve aced all of them maybe I’m not such a joker. Time to dig some of that self confidence out from underneath the futon me thinks. Especially because I’m going to need all that confidence in the next few years.
 

Choice A

Internship with a traditional environmental consulting firm, shitty pay, well relatively shitty. A fair amount of grunt work which to be honest sounds boring advantage is that I’m pretty sure I’ll be hired permanent no worries and the two chaps who interviewed me were so nice. AND I should be able to hit SL in August for a week.

Choice B

Less traditional land use development consultancy, good pay but long hours (think 9-10 hours) and a chance (so they say) to be very creative and involved on all levels of the projects. The negative to this is that I won’t be able to go home until probably summer 2008 or December 2008. 

But here’s the thing. I want to go home for good end of 2009 (my citizenship issues willing) because it just seems appropriate, going home almost exactly a decade after I left. Poetic I feel. Sooo…the plan is work, save, save, save, December 2008, two weeks scouting out some jobs. Summer 2009 a couple more weeks scouting…December 2009 the mother of all vacations and the permanent move back home. Get involved in the local environmental, poverty alleviation scene. I think I’m going to spend this weekend fleshing out that plan, just to try and get a framework for this decision and alleviate some of the mental trauma.

So I guess when put that way choice B becomes the only logical choice. Like R said “its time to grow up and do what we have to do” though I think both of us are a bit surprised he typed that sentence and the world didn’t stop spinning.  It is a challenge and added to the lack of paradise in my life for what seems like an immense period of time, the next few months are going to be dark and tough. Like I told Evil, make or break. I’m hoping make.

 stolen from here

You know what’s really annoying about being a generation Y’er (only realized I was one recently thanks to Hira)? It’s the rest of the family telling you what to do, what they think you should do. For fucks sakes I’m having enough trouble summoning up the courage to do what needs to be done from my viewpoint, as opposed to decamping to a hut on a hill in a tropical island with a wholesale account with the nearest arrack producer. Having to be lectured on and off by the baby boomers and WWI’s is really pushing me to breaking point.

Having to deal with the ‘serious’ talks and phone calls from distant shores with opinions as to how you should live your life is getting increasingly difficult to handle. Especially because the advice comes from people who love you and in their minds want what’s best for you. Not exactly candidates for the phrasing that I use when people piss me off, i.e. ‘go fuck yourself.’ Instead all I can do is grit my teeth, worsening my already bad grinding problem, nod my head, bite back the smarmy comments and mumble “ok, ok” to pretty much everything.

I think I need a drink, a very stiff one.

So I smoked my last cigarette tonight (fingers crossed). Sat outside on a surprisingly warm California night, lay down on the bench in the moonlight, and lit up. Empty Streets by Late Night Alumni playing on the ipod (I did consider First of the Gang to Die by Morrissey but thought that might be just a tad too morbid) just to add a bit of ambience. Funny the last time I listened to that song in the moonlight it was a beach in Hikks and I was bittersweetly happy. Now its time to give up killing myself slowly and get down to business.

Order of the day and week:

- Well sleep tonight.

- Hit the gym early doors, in my third week of supps, creatine and weights. Have to try and get back to 15% body fat (might even see my long lost abs reappear, fingers crossed again) soon.

- Prepare for meeting the business partner for the third time this week, come up with a coherent strategy for selling potting mix to the masses and transition to erosion control in the near future. Need to get that financial independence if I want to pursue being a wildlife photographer in SL

- Meet said business partner

- Write up a few cover letters for environmental consultant/scientist/planner positions, follow up on the ones I’ve already applied for

- Look for more jobs to apply for

- Call temp agency and inquire what in the name of moses have they been doing with my resume, I need some income!

- Dissolve old corporation, cut losses from previous venture

- Call M, get D’s number and find out if she needs her loan done, I need income!

- Mail R’s jackets to Aussie, since apparently that’s more cost effective than buying new ones there

- Email everybody I’ve not emailed back for the last few months

- Call Wamu and ask what in the name of moses happened to my credit card

- Mail T with my tattoo design requests

- Check the San Fran Academy of Arts website and figure out how much an Associates in Photography will put me back

- Download Ajan Brahm’s talks and Guided Meditation podcasts, try and heal my spiritual side and retain the tenuous grip on sanity

- Put this all down in PlanPlus with some coherent, valid deadlines

- Anything else that I may have forgotten

From the edge of sanity, over and out.

I survived my first week in the workforce after six months of bumming around. I must say I’m impressed with the new place, two things jumped out at me immediately. Firstly no-one has asked me where Sri Lanka is, I swear every time somebody asks me this question I want to pull my nostril hair out. It was excusable a couple of years ago, but after Tsunami entered the mainstream verbiage, not knowing the location of our little paradise isle is kind of sad. I find it very difficult to prevent my eyes from rolling into the back of my head when asked “so where is Sri Lanka?” I remember when I was eight I went to school in the US for a couple of years and a teacher asked me what state Sri Lanka was in. Needless to say my American school experience is not something I look back on with great nostalgia.

Digression bemoaning the geographical inadequacies of the people I have come across in my work aside, the other thing that really jumped out at me is that no one smells! Generally at a workplace you always get someone with dodgy hygiene, actually this ran true in college as well. Pretty much anytime you get a group of people over 20 in number there was bound to be at least one stinker…thankfully in this case I’m yet to come across such a person in this organization.

I’m still very much trying to come to terms with the mindset of the new organization I’m with coming from both a corporate money maker mindset and a scientific research academic background. I’ve always been a “save the world” kind of guy but not in a go getter kind of way, mainly because I haven’t really been sure how to go about it. I’m slowly getting a better understanding of the nuts and bolts of activism and how to really effect change. I have to say the passion people have what they have achieved and the opportunity for me to both contribute my skills and learn new ones is an exciting one. Exciting enough for me to forget the rather shitty pay I have to suffer while living in one of the most expensive cities on earth (well…almost).

Phone rings…I pick up, “when can you start?” My reaction, “Oh crap!” 

Obviously my “oh crap” was to myself, it’s funny, two weeks ago I would have given my left nut for ANY job in the environmental field. Well I have one now, working for these guys. Don’t really want to mention names for obvious reasons. My quandary is I just had another interview for a strategic environmental/energy consultancy and a possible third interview/presentation out in DC. The non-profit wants me to start pretty much first week of June, while it would take two weeks to see if I would get the consultant job. 

I’m torn between an awesome non-profit and a position I don’t really like but which is a sure thing and a possible position doing something I’m quite interested in at a relatively low profile company. Consulting will also pay me more, but then getting paid crap in San Francisco has its advantages, would push me to take my side businesses in loan origination and import/export more seriously. Add to that it’s a lovely cosmopolitan city, one my best friends lives up here and there are a few more nutters who are cool to hang out with. I don’t know a monkey in DC by comparison. 

Well I guess I’m gonna take the SF job, they only expect a years commitment in the position, and after that I could try and make a move to their global finance team, and from there to another sustainability consultancy like Foundation Strategy Group or Sustainability.  Now just have to find a damn place to live that won’t break the bank, preferably nob hill (snicker, would love to tell people I live on the nob) so I could walk to work and try and work some of this flab I’ve developed off.

So my last post was really a ‘moo’ point! Funny, in two years went from a student lifestyle to a high roller lifestyle and then back to what’s essentially going to be a student lifestyle. Ah well…

Bloody hell, had a horrendously long phone interview for an energy consultancy position and have absolutely bollocks idea as to how it went. One of the guys was British from Twickenham and the other chap was from Berkeley, so had sort of a geographical connection with both. Had some consultancy based questions which were tough to say the least, one was if I was on a conference call with two clients and one said bugger off to the other and hung up what would I do? At least that’s what I think the question was, bloody cellphone connections in this country are useless.

Crackling, hissing and ums aside from what I understood they are going to have a second round interview, which confused me a bit since I’ve already had a first round one with them. Also from what I gather I will have to flight out to DC for a presentation, bugger haven’t done a presentation in years (if anybody has any ideas for a completely odourless alcohol please let me know, thinking I’m going to need some Dutch courage). At the moment the timeframe is getting problematic with the last bunch letting me know tomorrow if I’m hired and I told them I’m available first week of June, crap.

Of course this will all be a moot point (or moo point as Joey would say) if both companies tell me to bugger off. Again, why did I leave the mortgage industry, where I could have been making a six figure salary in a couple of years? The doctor definitely shook me too hard when I was born!

I’ve been unemployed for around four months now..uhh make that five. Well four of those were sort of an extended vacation in Sri Lanka where I was also trying (mostly unsuccessfully so far) to sort out a small export scheme. Ever since I got back to the States I’ve been applying to crap loads of jobs and internships in the environmental field. I’m torn between the non-profit and consultancy field. The latter would be a lot more fun in the short term but the latter would give me the knowledge and skills to start my own company in about ten years or so back home. Anyways I just got a call back for an internship, the problem: they can only pay me around $400 a month in DC, which even if I can sort out free accommodation is crap. It would be an opportunity to work with an organization affiliated with E.O.Wilson and Jane Goodall. In the end I don’t think I’m going to take it though not because of the money but I really don’t see the point of taking a position that won’t provide me with the skills I’m looking to develop. Oh for a job at Malcolm Pirnie, Chemonics or URS!!

So I’m in limbo again, a week to go before I head back to Colombo. On one hand I have an urge to get back, get a meaningful job and start getting a paycheck again, there’s only so much time you can live off your credit card doing pretty much nothing before you go a bit stir crazy. The down side to that is that I have to leave home, family, some of my best friends as well as the laid back atmosphere that comes from living ur life within 5 square kilometers. My only regret about this holiday was that I didn’t go out of Colombo, would have loved to backpack, but the allure of actually having a proper social life after so long was too much.

This is the third time I’ve been in limbo for the last three years, the first two times were when I’d spent too much time at a pointless job. The first was only a few months and then went onto grad school, which was more than worth the wait. The second time was just before I came to SL, and I guess the December season made up for it, and now in the space of 6 months I’m in bloody limbo again! Hopefully this will be last time I will be this purposeless, well at least until I retire at 35. I guess I’m lucky, I look around and see some people who’ve been purposeless for years and don’t look like they will ever find a purpose to do anything except breathe.

So the countdown has started, 14 days to go before I wing it back to the Sunny California and restart my life. Have to find a job, buy a car, find a flat, make new friends, etc, etc. What I’m worried about is finding a new job, definitely have to get one that has some bloody relevance to what I went to college for. Ideally I would like to be involved in developmental work in Sri Lanka, poverty alleviation and all that good stuff. I’ve been reading books by C.K.Prahalad and Jeffrey Sachs and am quite fired up by implementing ideas like that in Sri Lanka.

The problem with developmental work is the pay, especially if I’m stuck in Sri Lanka. I also tend to have expensive habits like photography, partying, fast cars etc and I’m also a bit of a gadget head. Also it looks to me that most organizations like the UN, ADB, don’t really do much constructive work and I believe that the drivers for poverty alleviation and sustainable development will come from the private sector. The public sector is simply not geared towards efficiency, add a dash of humanity into the boiling pot of business and I think we have a winner. Of course there will always be bad apples but we need transparency to expose businesses that operate without concern for humanity or the environment. What we also need are consumers who are willing to make conscious decisions to avoid such companies no matter how low their product prices are.

So the plan I have so far is work for an environmental consultancy for a few years, develop the import/export business we started in the States, invest capital in Sri Lanka and hopefully start a few businesses in Sri Lanka. This would let me eventually (hopefully sooner that later) come back to Sri Lanka with both environmental and business experience and do my own thing, be financially independent and actually do some good for the country without compromising my lifestyle or the ability to take care of my family. Well looking back on that seems a pretty good plan, the only snag is having to spend years out of the country away from friends and family. Actually even spending years out of the country is all good, just need to be able to come back for 3-4 weeks a year to maintain my sanity.

Hmmm writing that out made me feel much better about the prospect of going back. I guess I wish I could fast forward past the many many little little steps necessary to achieve the big picture outlined above. Then I’d at least be at home doing what I love.

I was watching The Island but as usual couldn’t concentrate on the movie, despite Scarlett Johansson’s amazing facial(chest) features. Had lunch with an old friend today which was quite nice, I think that’s the first time I’ve had a decent sober conversation with her in around 8-9 years. Anyways she was going on about her new job, which she moved back to SL to take. Decent pay, but they make them work from 10am to 3am on a regular basis. Now this is a trend I’ve noticed here with a lot of my friends, especially those that work for MAS, long work hours and work even on the weekend all for no extra pay. They seem to take it fairly well though and function as (somewhat) normal human beings. I personally don’t see how people can manage such long hours and no weekends off.

 
One of the main reasons I cant work like that is I have always believed in the principle of a balanced life, I need to go to the gym, meet up with friends for a drink, watch a movie, be able to sleep in, go on trips and most importantly just have some quiet time doing nothing. I just couldnt take my last job because I was out of the house from 6am until around 7pm, went to the gym for an hour and by the time I had dinner and showered had a grand total of around half an hour to do everything I had to do before having to go to bed. I ended up stressed out, lacking sleep, having half arsed workouts, almost addicted to sleeping pills and eventually falling asleep at the wheel and destroying my car and very nearly myself in a fiery fireball.

Now my rather adverse reaction to the lifestyle I lead in the US may have had something to do with the soulless nature of my job. It was fun initially and exciting to be hitting million dollar targets, structuring deals, learning about a new field. I guess it was when I moved to a new team and was stuck with a pointless, menial task that my enthusiasm came to a grinding halt. Anyways back to my issue with long work hours, I just can’t picture myself working like that, no weekends and such long hours. Not only is it my desire for a balanced life that prevents me from accepting such working conditions but I cant stand the fact that while I would be working so much for a moderate paycheck, some bloody manager would be making so much more for half the work. This aversion to working like my friends do leaves me with two possible conclusions about myself:

1) I’m just plain fucking lazy - this is entirely possible, I’ve just spent three months in Sri Lanka lazing around doing absolutely nothing except relaxing, reading and surfing the net and the occasional lunch with a pretty girl.

2) I’m just not a worker bee – I have this theory that people are split into two work personalities, worker bees and ideas people. I tend to be the latter, the one thing I’ve done consistently in my jobs is to come up with faster ways of doing the things I had to do. This would involve streamlining existing procedures and sometimes coming up with entirely new ways of doing things. And I really enjoyed that part of my work, even though it was nowhere in my job description.

I guess its going to be one of my new years resolutions to prove to myself that I am not in fact bloody lazy, just effing smart:0)….now if I can just figure out a way to get financially independent quick.