Tiny Little Fractures

I’m talking about none other than His…erm…”Excellency” Nimal Siripala jowls de Silva. He seems to have a fairly decent background, as in he wasn’t brought up by wolves or bonobos or anything like that which might have warped his sense of reality. Of course his comments at the recent International Congress of AIDS in Asia and the Pacific belies any possibility of him having any semblance of a reasonable worldview. I could come up with a number of erudite, meaningful reasons for why old jowly should retire but I think it’s pretty simple to sum it up in a few words (I’m also tired and lazy).

He’s an idiot.

Well not totally down but it’s getting there. After all the world’s stock markets have plunged, the City people are losing jobs and even champagne sales are down in London and I share some responsibility in that. I’m sure you must be wondering what on earth a land use consulting, former non-profiter, environmental scientist has to do with the plunge of the world’s markets. You see before I went to Sri Lanka in 2005 to lose part of my liver and most of my mojo I worked from late 2004 until the end of 2005 as a sales representative for a sub-prime mortgage bank over here in sunny SoCal. Why? Because the money was brilliant and more than enough to fund my excessive debaucheries in Vegas, San Francisco and eventually in Sri Lanka. Of course there is a price to pay for all things but that’s a different story.

You can barely take a peep at the business section of any paper or website these days without bit hit in the face with how the sub-prime mortgage market and its collapse in the US is going to well…destroy the world. Well I participated gleefully in that market when it was at its peak and what a market it was. There was the thrill of hitting multi-million dollar targets, from $5 million initially to a whopping $30 million a month at our team’s peak. There was also a very attractive Filipino girl that I worked with that was the icing on the cake (yeah she was married but so what, technicality). Times were good, the money was rolling in, I had a fast sports car and who cared if we lent to people who couldn’t pay back.

It did eventually get to me though. At heart I’m a reasonably decent human being and seeing people getting fucked on a daily basis, the greed of the brokers, the number of lines we were asked to cross and the stupidity of the average borrower became too much and I cracked. I should have ended up in Angoda but I’m back here reasonably well adjusted and happy (well as happy as I can be out of Sri Lanka). I do feel a smidgeon of guilt however every time I read the news about more stock market plunges. Too think our little deal makings are having repercussions like that befuddles me. I truly am very sorry for the ignorance in which I worked back in the days and for the way that’s hit the poor suckers who bought those toxic bonds that those Liar Loans were packaged in.

If it’s any consolation to those who have lost bundles on the market these days there’s an incredibly beautiful half Latino, half Filipino stripper in Vegas who to this day must be utterly astonished by the rather extravagant tip left for her by me one drunken night in Sin City. Incidentally I’m still a bit pissed about it and have henceforth kept my hundreds (oh wait I don’t have those anymore) strictly separate from my ones.

This is what the monkeys are going to look like after a few weeks of solititude on my desert island, well I hope at least (Saira Mohan, from here)

Apologies drac old boy, I have zero imagination when it comes to titles, but here is a breakdown of what I would pack if I was err….forced to be ‘exiled’ to a desert island. A fate which I would obviously rail against with all my heart…sigh… 

So there’s my choice. Now I’m going to go figure out how to in turn generate solar energy for my CD player using only a coconut frond and a monkey’s tail and ponder on whether there’s an outside chance Saira Mohan might come floating into my metaphorical lagoon. You know because coconuts aren’t that companiable. Unless of course one figures out how to convert them to arrack.

 P.S. I tag the following five peeps: Rastiadu, RD, Darwin & Spectral (who hopefully will give me some heads up on some new tunes) and Pissu (because I’ve always wanted to know what crazy people listen to).

Not exactly the way I wanted to enjoy the weekend. I was looking forward to using a dream boat of a 400mm L Prime. Unfortunately the carpets were being cleaned and the stairs were wet. Something I forgot for a minute second, minute enough for the world to suddenly turn topsy turvy in front of my eyes. My monopod attempted to take a chunk out of my arm, my butt received a buffing that was not intended and the 400mm tried to replace my spinal cord. I did however manage to stop myself before I reached P and catapulted him through my front door. Which as it was closed would have been a relatively painful experience.

The worst part about the experience was that the lens I had rented was busted. Actually the filter was busted and was jammed in so tight I couldn’t take it off. Thank the munchkins I did in fact get the damage waiver so I’m off the hook for the damage. Now I’m going spend the rest of the weekend icing my bum.

Just you know, to be on the safe side. Precipitated by my office suddenly seeming to take a liking to the Tiesto podcast issuing from my speakers and appearing to dance along to it. It was to be fair a pretty small earthquake (3.5 on the Richter scale) unless of course one was actually experiencing it first hand. I’m a tad spooked, not spooked like babbling on the floor, cowering in fear, needing a change of pants kind of spooked. But spooked enough to buy me one of these, now should I calculate the pooch’s needs as well….that’s the question…to which I should really find the answer before the Big One…possibly…hits…

Hmm…came across this quote and figured I’d memorialize it somewhere. I could email it to myself but then that would just get buried in the avalanche of crap that constitutes my email account.

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan ‘Press On’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."
–  President Calvin Coolidge 1932

 To be honest I rarely take a liking to quotes from American Presidents, what with "I didn’t inhale" and "Mission accomplished" being the more memorable of the recent ones, not to mention "I did not have sex with that woman" (just used her to cut my cigar) but…disgusting jokes aside I really like that quote. Never follow it of course, being the lazy bastard that I am, but I’ll show it to my kids someday. If I ever getting around to making any that is…

Fuck off that is. What an absolutely bloody miserable day at work. Or was it a really good one? I’ll be buggered if I knew. For once when I needed it to be a crazy day it wasn’t. It’s bad enough that R keeps badgering me to come back in Dec and akks is starting to get on the same train, but the two couldn’t shut it for a bit. And off all the things I needed as I rolled into work was a text from the very reason I don’t want to go back this December (well 55.99% of the reason I don’t want to go back). 

I don’t know whether to be bummed or strangely elated to be missed. Like I needed my head fucked or fucked again if I go down for three years in a row. I’d much rather freeze my ass off with a bottle of rum and a blonde, mindless sudhu badhuwa when the winter season comes around. Get drunk and have mindless sex. Hopefully at her place so I can get the hell out the next morning without that breakfast awkwardness.

What pisses me off is I still don’t know if I’m pissed or happy. Fuck.

So R akki forwarded me this email the other day of the 10 most obvious questions people ask and some smarmy answers. Very kindly she sent it to a bcc’d it to a bunch of people saying it reminds her of me, can’t even defend myself because I don’t know who got the email.

Off the 10 my personal favourite was the below: 

At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask…

Stupid Question:-

Why, why him, of all people?!

Answer:-

Why? Would it rather have been you?

Of course I have been in that situation at cricket matches where I’ve had people ask me what I’m doing there, in the morning asking if I drank too much the last night and to be honest I do give snarky answers. Most notably I pissed off one of my bosses when she said “oh you’ve had a haircut!?” and I replied “no, no…I just got run over by a flipping lawnmower.” I think the straight face that I delivered it and the snort of laughter from my coworker pissed her off and I got a bit of a talking to. American’s don’t have much of a sense of irony.

The latest was a few nights ago. I suddenly jerked awake. The first thing I noticed was the Frans Lanting print above my head swinging back and forth. Before that really registered I noticed, not with mild disinterest, that the whole room was shaking. One, two jerks and everything calmed down. I looked up at the print to make sure I wasn’t going to be brained by the print falling off, turned over and snuggled into my duvet. As I was about to resume my blissful sleep, the unc knocked on my door.

“That was an earthquake!” 

“The fact did not escape me”

“What are we going to do?!” 

“Well it’s over now, so I’m going back to sleep….”

"Oh…" 

Seriously some people…

I was reading this article about one of my favourite rugby teams and their preperations for the upcoming World Cup and I must say I was struck by the odd choice of photographs included in it. I’m wondering if anyone shares the sense that whoever chose the pictures probably doesn’t like Wales too much, observe:

A charming portrait of the captain, Gareth Thomas. He looks like Vol…I mean He-who-must-not-be-named..here. I refuse to believe there is not another picture in existence where he looks better than this.

The coach Gareth Jenkins flipping the bird. Surely the person who chose this image must have noticed the rude gesture!

Anyone else think this is weird?

A philosophical hobbit, but I’m just better looking…much better looking (from here)

Well dogfight detagged me, but RD, indyana and Pissu tagged me (I think that was it). So umm…here goes. Of course seven facts barely make up the convoluted individual that I am, so feel free to judge or even condemn.

1. I appear to have this knack of making people laugh, mostly girls. Don’t ask me why but I’m not blowing my own horn here (that would be one-handed as opposed to two handed) but its something I constantly get told. It’s also strange because my humour is, well, fairly offensive. I reckon its because I tend to talk more to random girls than guys (though after our last session at Bob’s diner R may digress with me on this fact). I do love those moments though when something happens and the perfect comment comes out of my mouth and the results have everybody rolling around on the floor, even the subject of the joke.
2. I detest people who think that their worldviews are somehow better than mine. Now don’t get me wrong, if I have a notion that is wrong and someone points this out to me and provides me with supporting evidence I have no problem admitting my mistake. Hey every day’s a learning experience isn’t it? Let me provide an example to make it easier, if someone doesn’t believe in pre-marital sex that’s fine, I respect that. I believe in it and attempt to engage in it at every opportunity presented (which to be honest is not saying much). If someone however thinks that they are superior to me just because they don’t engage in it then that’s a load of bollocks. Personal belief vs. arrogance. 
3. Everyday I wonder what I missed out in life by not having a father, seeing my mother a handful of times in nine years and my sister once in the same time period. I might be a different person now and I just wish I knew how I would have been different.
4. I’m a pretty calm person, I rarely panic or get angry (I bitch and get loud, but not angry). I’ve fallen into rapids and kept my nerve, I’ve had a car crash at 80mph and kept my nerve, last night there was a 4.5 Richter earthquake here. I made sure my Lanting print didn’t fall off the wall onto my head and then went back to sleep. If you do piss me off though don’t be surprised if I try and stomp on your head until it splits or crack you over the head with the nearest bottle (two things incidently, that I have done).
5. I love to read and (this is rather eerily similar to Pissu) I have a love for South Asian authors, especially Romesh Gunasekera who’s Reef is probably my all time favourite book. I’m not sure what it is but there is something hauntingly familiar in a good South Asian’s writing. It’s sometimes difficult to see that we have meaning in our lives and reading stories like Reef lets us to look into ourselves in way I guess. That said I also love Tolkien, maybe I’m just a philosophical hobbit in denial. 
6. I’m still trying to figure out whether I’m doing the right thing by not moving to Sri Lanka right now. I know what my dream is but either I’m scared of following it or I’m slowly working my way to it. I’m not really sure, I guess time will tell.
7. I’m an island boy at heart. There’s nothing more enjoyable to me than sitting by a warm tropical Indian ocean with a cold Reserve and coke in one hand, Bounty scratching his bald head and sweating copiously, R adjusting himself and pouring huge drinks, CP mumbling unclearly, Evil being Evil and R akki saying something silly to entertain me. Also a nice, slim, dark, brown baduwa would be nice to put line to as well. Oh yeah and a spectacular sunset. And a camera, to take lovely candids of the aforementioned brown girl. That would be nice. 

So yeah that’s seven random, somewhat deep, somewhat irreverent things about me. I didn’t dwell on my flaws because…well…if you read this blog then you know them already.

Hmm…there’s really noone left to tag is there? Well lets see, Darwin, Evil, Spectral, Cerno, drac (hehe…I couldn’t resist), Manshark and Nirmal.

If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

My one shitty picture off my phone

I was strangely unmoved while the whole of the Greek Theater was up in arms singing along to the Snow Patrol anthem. It was an odd thing watching them play in the US. Not a bad thing mind you, after all I’ve been trying to see them live for about three years now and this time I wasn’t thwarted by unexpected job offers, procrastination, geography or any of those other factors that made me loose my noodle before. This time R, myself, A and D were sorted months before with tickets and we made it there without any hitches (minus of course the bloody 283 dollar speeding ticket).

Honestly one could not ask for a better place to watch a gig than the Greek, nestled in the hills of Griffith Park, it’s a small intimate venue with an amazing if slightly toasted (courtesy of the recent Griffith Park fires) view. The badu were also amazingly hot, though as usual with my luck I had a smelly Persian girl (obviously the one Persian girl in the whole of California who isn’t fit) and her dubious looking boyfriend sitting next to me. The band was brilliant as well and I could go on about Gary Lightbody’s voice but it might be a bit gay…oh yeah and there were these two songbirds, the Watson Twins who sounded ethereal and were umm…yum. 

But as I mentioned before watching them play with an American audience was strange. Whereas I was up in arms going crazy for Spitting Games, Run and of course Chocolate the rest of the crowd seemed strangely unmoved. I was especially surprised when this laxness was displayed to Run, I mean I remember singing along with a thousand Brits in Chelmsford to that anthem and watching the Somerset show where the same thing happened. Of course this anomaly was explained when Chasing Cars came on and everybody was doing what I had been doing solo a few minutes ago. Nobody out here knows Snow Patrol for Final Straw, only from Eyes Open.

Fair enough I guess, but it was still an awesome, awesome gig. I just couldn’t get any decent pictures because the disadvantage of having a ginormous SLR is that it doesn’t really fit down my pants and thus can’t be sneaked into a concert. I did wish I had it though when this couple started making out in front of me and the light beams from the stage created this absolutely spellbinding silhouette. It would have been a hell of an image.

Of course it’s a reflection of how crazy my life is at the moment that it took me two weeks after the concert to blog about it…sigh…

In an attempt to spend a weekend doing truly nothing I think I succeeded reasonably well. I did manage to get my car serviced and…well…that was about it in terms of productiveness. In order to spend the rest of the blissful two days of doing nothing I watched movies back to back. Here’s a breakdown:

Fearless – Jet Li’s last epic martial art, whatever the hell that means. It was quite entertaining and I enjoy martial arts epics just as much as the next person. It was quite well done, the action was lavish and actually made me miss my martial arts days a bit…oh well…there simply isn’t any time anymore.

Passage to India – This movie had Alec Guinness (err…I guess that’s Sir Alec) as an Indian professor, some other chap as a bloody annoyingly subservient Indian and, well a bunch of horrendously snooty English twats. I’m not sure what the whole plot was about, something about a mistaken case of rape, etc, etc. I was a bit disappointed by David Lean’s film (he directed Bridge over the River Kwai and Lawrence of Arabia) mainly because it didn’t seem to have any point. Oh well…

Equilibrium – P’s recommendation was an absolute trip. Quality matrix like fight scenes, Christian Bale putting in a stellar performance and for some reason Emily Watson’s magnetic eyes made for a very enjoyable watch.

Eragon – hmm, now I’m a big fantasy addict both reading and watching. This was the first time though that I watched a fantasy movie without reading the book first. The technical stuff was amazing, but a dragon with Rachel Weisz’s voice? Eh…Also the movie seemed to lack any substance, despite Sienna Guillory looking, well looking absolutely fabulous. These elvish genes I tell you, if I didn’t like Sri Lankan girls so much I would definitely go for an elf (well maybe after Persian).

Last King of Scotland – Wow! Just wow! Along the lines of Hotel Rwanda it was a brilliant movie! Just don’t eat a buryiani while watching it, as I discovered much to my dismay. It brought back vague memories of a book I had read a long time ago about the craziness that was Idi Amin and boy was he crazy. I highly recommend the movie as a watch. Oh yeah and Kerry Washington is all kinds of hotness (well when she’s in one piece anyways).

When Harry Met Sally – ok, ok I know…it’s a chick flick, but I like it! For one thing Meg Ryan is very,very cute (anybody see a common thread in these bite sized reviews?). And I really, really needed a funny, cute movie to watch after the Last King. You know, just to cheer myself up.

And that was it, a random series of movie reviews. And it’s back to work tomorrow…sob…

I’ve forgotten how much fun it is being in the wilds listening to nature around you. So much so that when I was up on one of our sites taking some site photographs, and heard the rustling around me I briefly shat myself. Primarily because the first thing that popped into my head was the possibility of it being a mountain lion. For one thing the creature was undoubtedly large and another thing was that it seemed to be coming straight towards me. So I stood there trying to figure out how to use a Panasonic camera to fight off a cougar and wishing T-Mobile had better coverage so at least my last screams could be heard by my loved ones.

In the end, rather anticlimactically, it turned out to be a rather mentally challenged mule deer who gandered up, gave me a rather surprised look and then took off running when I switched on my camera to take a photograph (shitty office camera was hugely noisy on start up). I must say though the experience took me back to the good old days, and I do miss the days of wandering around the woods. I should get back to it someday.