wanker

Unfortunately that’s a real life formula in the title. And no don’t look in any algebra textbooks, it’s a scenario equation. To all of those scratching their heads in confusion let me elaborate. Chinky Pinky joined me for the weekend after a long hiatus, ostensibly to help me scope out some brown badu at the Aluth Avurrudu festival at Woodley Park. Well that’s what I wanted to do at least, I think she was just more interested in drinking at some point of the weekend. 

There were a few possibles around but there was a high probability of them being underage. And as much as I like a handbag to the head from some irate Aunty I decided to keep my distance. The relative lack of hotness was however disappointing, nothing on the scale of back home…oh well what to do. Anyways CP and I were meeting A, her friend from RI who brought along G his friend from out East. Being incestuously Sri Lankan it turned out they were going to meet a ‘friend’ of mine who we shall refer to from now on as Wanker as G knew him, and boy were they happy about having to go. I personally was more inclined to hang out at Woodley, smile uncertainly at aunties and uncles I might know, try and track down some arrack and laugh at N. Unfortunately N was being taken to be groomed by his female retainer and we decided to put A and G out their misery by accompanying them to Venice Beach accumulating Wanker along the way. 

Now I may, truth be told, not the nicest person on the planet, but I do try and be a ‘good’ person. There is many an occasion where I fall short but I reckon I must be doing a decent job on the evidence of the friends I have. R, Bounty, CP, Evil, N, FG, Monkey Boy, etc., one must be doing a fairly good job as a human being to have friends like these. That’s why I cannot for the life of me understand why Wanker doesn’t see the error of his ways. I mean how does one go through life for 23 years and have no friends? Surely he should be able to see that he has issues and that anyone who gives him the time of day does so, well, out of sympathy for the most part.

Let me give you a bit of background on Wanker, he grew up with me and R living in the near vicinity. Back in the day we used to beat on him endlessly but here’s the thing, not one punch was undeserved. I’m sorry but if you chuck a rock at me out of the blue at my head and draw blood you will get hit. Similarly if you say unmentionable things about my mother, you will get hit, if you throw my slippers on the roof forcing me to walk home on hot tarmac, you will get punched. We actually felt sorry for him when we hit him but explaining how to be a decent human being never worked leaving us with no other option. He also had the one redeeming feature of having an awesome garden to play cricket and night cricket in. After he moved we thankfully didn’t see him for quite awhile. 

This year he found me on facebook and invited me to his place. After almost a decade I was expecting improvement. After all I know on several people’s testimony’s that I have, N has and so have a lot of other people relative to who we were back in the day. And I firmly believe in second, third and fourth chances. Sadly it wasn’t to be, he was still annoying only a bit bigger this time. Last weekend however took the cake, not only was he annoying, whiney and obnoxious but he was downright rude.

Wanker took a liking to CP which all of us without exception found hilarious. But what really pissed me off was his behaviour after that. After a night clubbing CP, G and I were on the couch. The former was in the middle with her legs up on me talking to G while I zoned out. After about five minutes I realized Wanker was sitting on the couch next to us giving me what can only be described as a bitter look, before giving the same look to CP and then G and then whispering something to his friend who was sitting next to him. That really, really pissed me off because it was just so rude and not done. Anybody with any social skills should be able to handle non-attainable attraction in a mature way and not behave like a hormonal teen. What I really wanted to do at that stage was to give him a thundering kanne pare that would have echoed across the Western Hemisphere. But I just let it go. If five years of people beating on him hasn’t made him realize that there is something fundamentally wrong in his behaviour towards others then nothing will.

Once a wanker always a wanker I guess, at least for this particular wanker. Some people should just be kept in the past.